A Real Case of the Mondays

Wow. Looking at the calendar, I’m amazed at the next month of my life. 

This Monday, today, I sat at the summit of Mount Major in New Hampshire.

Next Monday I will be arriving in the Netherlands on a one-way flight. 

The following Monday, i will be packing up to leave Rome for Triste.

The Monday after that, wrapping up the road trip somewhere in Austria.

And the Monday after that? My first day of graduate school classes. 

Frankly, I’m amazed at the last few Mondays of my life as well- this year has been FULL of wonderful things. Monday was most reliably my “day off”, which usually was filled with shifts at Black Trumpet, extra farming days, or other work-related things rather than taking it for what it should have been for me, a break day. A rather peculiar day to have off, most people begin their work weeks and dread Mondays. I came to love their approach; Mondays meant I had survived another week of running around pulling the various strings of my life together and hoping that they don’t snap under the tension, only to be slowly threaded into my busy work life one way or another. I am so grateful for this past year, despite the complete madness I felt giving so much of my time and energy— in all senses of the word— away to everyone and everything else but me. in the words of the undeniable maxine waters- i’m reclaiming my time. This year taught me how to turn inward to solve problems, grasp happiness, make spaces for the growth I needed internally, and to relish the opportunities to sit with myself and listen knowing that I already had the answers I sought, as long as I kept my senses aware of the dialogue within me. Always a practice though, and never a perfection. But practice and all is coming. So with this month ahead, I practice adorning myself with love and gilding myself with golden laughter throughout this next transition, honoring all that comes. 

As simply as possible,

T

Now, It Begins!

Over the past year, I've been fairly inactive on here- as well as Facebook- for mostly positive reasons but one rather big negative one. Around this time last year, I had been really looking forward to my California adventure at the Woolman Semester School, when it unexpectedly fell through and my internship, alongside student programs for the year, were cancelled. This devastating news came two weeks prior to my move-out-west date, and it totally turned my world upside down, ESPECIALLY after leaving BPS, moving out of my Somerville apartment, purging most of my physical possessions, telling friends and family about my new chapter, and pulling my East Coast roots, only to have to stay put with no trajectory. For the first time in my adult life, I had all the time in the world and no desire to enjoy it. I didn't know who I was unless I was GO GO GO-ing somewhere, doing something, running on fumes. As a result of what felt like a loss of self, I went through a major depressive episode during last fall.  Grieving for the loss of my dream job was exhausting, and around my 24th birthday I hit a wall, realizing the only way back to feeling "normal" was to do something about it- leading to a complete overhaul of my psychological, emotional, physical and most importantly, gastrointestinal health.

After the rocky fall months, I found myself keeping very, VERY busy with various jobs in the Seacoast NH area- briefly a kindergarten classroom Aide, North Country Hard Cider Tasting Room Manager, Hostess at Black Trumpet Bistro, and Farmer at Meadow's Mirth Farm. Each of these jobs came to me as if they fell from the sky right when I needed them and into my outstretched hands, and I started to pick up the pieces of myself that fell to the side during my intense year of 6th grade teaching and the loss of my dream job. As I ran around the seacoast attempting to make it all work- and heal my gastrointestinal issues, both consciously and subconsciously was experiencing the stages of grief in erratic and disorder. I recommitted to my yoga practice through Mysore at Yoga East, and filled up my days with movement, good food, and practicing enormous amounts of self care. Meanwhile, after the darkness of winter creeped in and the promise of longer days was around the corner, the threads of my personal and professional interests began weaving themselves together. During one of my "WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE IM LIVING AT HOME I DONT HAVE A REAL JOB I AM SO LAME AND SAD" fits, I opened my computer and sat with a blank Google search bar for a few minutes, attempting to listen to whatever swirling out there in the universe had to say. After falling into the teaching job in Boston last year, I couldn't help but feel like although being a classroom teacher wasn't my thing, maybe I should consider other facets of the education sphere that honored more of my sustainable interests and passions. I google searched many, many iterations of "sustainable curriculum science education masters".  I looked across the US, focusing on California and the West Coast, since even after Woolman not working out, and three or four other California jobs not going past the application or interview, I was determined to get out of New Hampshire/New England. Especially if it meant avoiding another snowy winter.

At the encouragement of my sweet and endlessly supportive partner, I broadened my search to Europe and furiously googled my way across the continent. Shortly before visiting him in November, I stumbled upon the Science Education and Communication Masters Program through the Graduate School of Teaching at Utrecht University (a mouthful, I know) and honestly thought it was too good to be true. The program combined my past science research focuses with the missing pieces from my year of teaching in such an elegant and interesting and cross-disciplinary way that I totally was hooked. I visited Holland, and Europe for the first time in November and completely fell in love with the country. I returned from the Netherlands, still unsure of what I was doing or if I would apply to the program, but I knew something was in the works in the universe. I picked up the restaurant job, and applied to the program. A week before my second trip to Holland I was offered a position in the program, so I flew over there with the intention of sorting out some logistics as well as meeting my department, and that I did. The last few months have been a blur of farming, hostessing, managing the tasting room, and organizing emigration/enrollment. As of today, all of my paperwork is in, my flight is booked, my jobs are quit, and I'm almost a week into enjoying the first "summer" I've had since I was 16. 

While having three jobs and working 6-7 days a week for the last year has been hectic and crazy, I've built around me the most amazing community across sustainable food and education and this past year spent at home has truly been a blessing in disguise. I finally figured out what was going on with my stomach, got to spend the year with my family and siblings, and made some really beautiful and interesting friendships within a community I had never really considered mine. I've experienced depth and light in my yoga practice through committed study of the Yoga Sutras with my group at the studio, and I've never felt more like myself. In addition to diving deeper spiritually, I was diagnosed with SIBO after a few months of inconclusive exams and tests, as well as a course of really hardcore antibiotics (that unfortunately made things worse). Finally knowing that something real was actually wrong with me rather than feeling crazy, stupid, and sick all the time was finally a huge burden lifted, and I've been finally feeling healthier with the addition of an herbal protocol, probiotic course, and vitamin supplements. Over the last 3.5 years I had been in the dark and in denial about my stomach health, and it feels like I'm finally stepping into the light with all aspects of my health. 

For the first time in my entire life, I don't feel like I'm trying to desperately escape New Hampshire. The Buddha has a saying- "no mud, no lotus" and man, this year was a muddy one. And last year. And I expect the move to the Netherlands to be interesting and challenging too, probably fairly muddy at times as I figure out how to navigate Dutch living. But that's the thing- the mud makes the lotus. This whole time I have been growing and shifting and moving and shaking AT HOME. Growth is growth! I'll bloom someday. For now, I'm preparing for this unbelievable, yet totally-believable next adventure, trying to keep some of the anxious "this isn't going to work out" thoughts at bay, because why shouldn't it? Luck is where preparation meets opportunity, and I was given an amazing opportunity this year to redirect my life in a more mindful, compassionate way. I am so thankful for this community around me, as well as within me and I'm so excited to bring it with me to HOLLAND!

Since committing to practice at Yoga East, the Yoga Sutras have been an enormous part of my internal and external dialogue. Chanting Sanskrit and discussing the interpretations with members of my yoga community has been more valuable than I can begin to describe. The first sutra-- Atha yoganusasanam --begins with the word atha, which means "now" and indicates that much has come before this moment, but here is where it all begins. Obviously referring to yoga, this sutra and the potency of atha in relation to the last few years, as well as the next few years, it all begins here. It's always beginning- learning and life are not linear, but growth is always happening; new-ness is always here. Thankful from the bottom of my heart, now I begin!

Living as simply as possible, with lots of plants, smiles, and fruit,
T

Day 1: Green Lotus YTT

Yesterday I moved out of my first apartment and back home with my family. I'm starting a 1-month, intensive, immersion program to become yoga teacher certified! This is also the last month I'll be home in NH (and also on the East Coast) before I head out west for Woolman. I'm hoping to keep these posts short and sweet- one of my favorite yogi principles is to speak little, speak kindly, and speak truthfully. If what you have to say is the truth but it is not kind, do so in a kind manner. I'll write again later this afternoon to reflect on my first day.

To transitions, new beginnings, old and new friends, and self love!

T

Update: I'm writing in my notebook for YTT. Not sure if I'll get around to updating this daily as well, but here's hoping!

Anxiety

A simple moment of weakness.
A cloud passing in front of the sun,
and skin tightens, goosebumps prickling,
grasping at the warmth it so lovingly accepted just a moment before.
Chest tightens, matching the papillae of follicles in the shadow of that cloud and mind tightens, grasping for wisps of light.
Reaching and yearning, the clenching of body keeps just.. out.. of... reach.
Sun-drenched thoughts and pleasant memories within view, without comfort.
Spiraling deeper and deeper into clenching, unrelenting mind and tight, tight chest,
wishing for release and relaxation.
Finding it in escape-
Unsustainable.
Finding it inward, looking inward at the hurricane of words and colors and feelings and seeking the eye of the storm.
Keep looking inward at the eye- it expands, opening up to see all.
Here is solace.
I am solace.
Here is strength.
I am strength.
Here is peace.
I am peace.
I am a universe unto and into myself.

feed your head, water my soul

The Gardner || Water the Flowers

Original poem by TEarly || Street art by Mark Samsonovich 

Untitled- but of course it's about you.

You are timeless.

I can hear the seconds ticking away, one after the other on my wrist,

my trusty Timex keeping me 

as it always has.

But you are timeless. 

The seconds my trusty Timex have been entrusted with 

slip and melt and bend together,

the ticking narrating otherness.

But you, 

you are timeless

and my heart races as it beats so slow

humming alongside my thoughts as they breeze by,

reaching through to the corners of the universe

but never stopping longer than to kiss me on the cheek.

Then they're off, 

taking the ticking ticks with them,

strolling hand in hand beyond my reach.

You are timeless.

12/16/2014- 3:06 AM

100

In the last seven days, my life has gone from zero to sixty, zero to one hundred, zero to six thousand. I've had extraordinarily little time to process it all, but for the first time in my young twenty-one years, I'm perfectly fine with that. More often than not, I'm consumed with thoughts to the n-th degree about literally everything- family, friends, academics, work. For some reason this week has been entirely different. My brain is giving me a free pass, some sort of karmic break. I'm not sure why, but every conversation, action, laugh, cry has all been directed by instinct rather than mental or emotional processing. Its unprecedented. And crazy. And awesome. And I just had to make a note of it here, cause after one of the most unbelievable weeks of this semester, and this year, I'm happy. Terrified and uncertain and everything else under the sun. But I'm happy. Twenty-two in two days, and I couldn't be feeling more human.