Twenty-Something-Or-Other

The 15th has come and gone and I'm alive!
My ever-building anxiety about leaving teenage dreams behind me dissipated as the clock struck midnight. Two decades have unraveled themselves in the context of my human being-ness, marked annually at 6:50 AM with an old family photography tradition.

Nineteen was fantastic. The love of my life and I rang in midnight (and 6:50 AM) with snores and smiles as we photographed the first few moments of my last teenage year. Laughter, as well as tears of mixed emotions permeated each month, marking my progress in academia, life, and love.

Twenty was different. Sisterly love enveloped me as I laughed my nineteenth year away. Different snores and smiles marked the wee hours of the morning, and 6:50 AM came and went as the tradition was slightly altered.

The last three months have been such a learning experience. The Environmental Field Semester JBS was phenomenal and outrageously frustrating, often in the same breath. My neophyte semester in KBG found me many new friends, strengthened bonds, and gave me a little sister. I'm beginning to learn how I fit into Brandeis, and how Brandeis is starting to fit into me. Emotionally exhausting, this semester has pushed my buttons and tested my fiber. Time will only tell if I pushed back properly.

For now, I say goodbye to EFS and goodbye to nineteen.
I'll carry both in my heart as I jump into twenty, as blind and terrified as ever.

live simply.

I Was Told My Soul Was Old.

To those of you who have kept my feet on the ground when I felt like I was floating away- I can't even begin to express my immense appreciation for you. Not only have you been my anchors through these rough seas, but the voice of reason that cuts through the arguments in my psyche. Very few have been there to catch me when I fall, put a band aid on my wounds, and put me back on the horse- I know it's a been a daunting task but every shoulder, hand and ear has been appreciated. Finding the words to begin to thank you is impossible, but my love and gratitude for you is endless. Truly, I can't thank you enough.



live simply.

I'm the Colorless Sunrise.

There are only so many things one could say about a situation like this. After realizing that the last few words on the matter have finally been dragged out, it's time that I start to get back to the Taylor Early Experience.

3 AM, hello again old friend. Insomnia has crept back into my life, marking its territory in my mind with ever-incessant introspection. For weeks now I have staved off restless nights; nicely compartmentalizing my thoughts into their own little boxes and tightly sealing the lids on the messy ones. Never have I ever been able to successfully been able to escape the broken record player that is my conscious, and until today I thought I was doing a stand-up job. It turns out I wasn't, and the seals on those boxes are easily broken.

This blog has never discussed the contents of these boxes.
This blog will continue to avoid the discussion, no matter how cathartic actually expunging all of those tiny little boxes would be.

In more or less words (and I can guarantee less), turning twenty is freaking me out, and I'm doing a rather poor job processing it. These loose ends are just unraveling so damn fast, and I'm not entirely sure what will be at the end of this string. Maybe I'll pull the seam further. Or maybe I'll weave the ends back together.

I think I'll go light a candle and pour myself a cup of tea instead.


live simply.

Metasequoia Glyptostroboides

I'm going to miss the hell out of this semester.


live simply.

I Can't Look at the Stars.

Disclaimer: Don't read this blog post if you want to read something coherent and uplifting.

I'm furious. Absolutely fuming.
This is the most stressful time of each semester and once again I'm finding myself dealing with things that are not only external, but pulling me in every direction away from my academics.
Granted, academia is a LARGE portion of the stress that is pushing me to pull away, but honestly? No one likes finals. No one likes the end of the semester. No one is social, no one is themselves. Nothing is rational; sleeping patterns are thrown out the window (even more so than usual), the library becomes home, and time becomes entirely irrelevant as every day blurs into the next.

That being said, with all the rules of finals life splayed for all to see, I'd like to take the time to vocalize some boundaries, some guidelines if you will, to how I operate in demoralizing times like this.
1) If I am in a bad mood, I am in a bad mood. Do not try to rationalize it, do not take offense to it.
2) Do not try to present new information or attempt to converse with me on anything of life-altering importance. It will not take precedent and I will not respond to it with my regular zeal.
3) I am not a real person. Do not treat me like I am and expect that I will act like one. This entirely includes number 2 on this list as well as conversation in general.

I am Brandesian. I am neurotic. I am not perfect. I am not a role model. I am not a trail blazer. And most importantly, I am human.
I try my best, and you know what? My best is often not quite good enough.
I've accepted that, and now you should too.



live simply.

You're Giving Me Such Sweet Nothing.

I've really been in the blogging spirit lately. It probably has to do with my default function; to procrastinate when I have a large task ahead of me. While plausible, it's more likely that it has to do with this clawing desire to spill my guts to someone, anyone.

Alas, this desire will never be satisfied, at least in this way.
I can't remember the last time I felt like this. I feel so... high school.

I'm not going to start blogging in code again, I had enough of that junior year with my LiveJournal phase. Instead, I'll post a picture. How do you like that for self control?

Seriously though, that exposé is dangerously close from becoming a real thing. Just another all-nighter and pint of Ben and Jerry's away... Or something like that.
Stay tuned.

live simply.

Just Ask the Axis.

I type this 2 AM post from a very chilly dorm room, wondering why my heat is no longer turning on, simultaneously contemplating the investment of flannel long underwear. A rainy, snowy, sleety day has left me feeling rather tired and terribly unfocused. Looking back on my day, I realize two things; I did not leave the comfort of my dorm except to step just outside the door today, and also that although productivity was somewhat limited in an academic scope it was fairly productive in a life-sense. My bed was made, my emails were sent, my i's were dotted and my t's were crossed. The nook that is Room 630 became less of a safe-haven and more of a hermit's dwelling. And quite frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

Fast-approaching, my twentieth birthday has certainly been on my mind. A meaningless age to many young Americans, 20 simply is to some the year before the year. What I don't understand is why it's not by default THE year. Sure, you can't order a glass of wine at dinner or buy you and your buddies a 6-pack (legally), but what's not to celebrate? No longer are you categorically associated with "teens" and the subsequent connotations. You have survived, thrived rather, for two decades in a time that has changed dramatically since our first steps. Floppy discs, the cell phone, the internet- so many things have come and gone within the last twenty years and you've experienced them. Few generations preceding ours grew up with such substantial cultural evolution and you still think that this twentieth year isn't the year to properly celebrate? Priorities, man. Priorities. 

Quickly glancing back, the tone of this post is somewhat hard for me to nail down. I realize that I am typing absentmindedly. I don't have quite the audience I had a few years ago but to those of you who happen to keep up with this blog, I apologize for the rambling. I do hope that although infrequent, these posts- musings rather- inspire some sort of internal discussion. In full disclosure, all this blog chops up to be lately is the overflow of personal battles that due to the public nature of this blog, (and my relatively shy tendencies regarding my personal life) I feel compelled to somehow censor.

One of these days I'll just do it. Pour my heart out. Put it all on the table. Or something like that.

Until then, decipher away all you want, dear readers. 

If I told you, I'd have to kill you.

live simply.