We Are the Echos of Springtime.

Iced tea spiked with lemonade courses through my veins these days. Smoothie-filled mason jars are my salvation, and pages of read and reread novels soothe my bright red sunburn. Less thinking, more laughing. Spanish lessons have resumed, a countdown begun. Cheers to you, June! Keep the good vibes coming.

live simply.

How to Be.

For the first time in a very long time, I'm single. For those of you who know me, flying solo is not something that I've had to do since high school. Closing the door on my fourth semester of college, I'm writing this post from my bed, also known as the couch in my parent's living room. If circumstances had remained as they were just a year ago, I'd be inking this post from the bed of my first and greatest love. Six months ago? Most likely from the comfiest chair in Waltham, entangled in what I can only explain as the most complicated relationship I've ever been a part of.

As I literally shut the door on life as I knew it last week, I found myself searching for a way to anchor my feet back to the ground. My walk out the door was full of goodbyes. To Waltham, the place I call home, a goodbye until January when I return from studying abroad to make my nest in an off-campus house. To one of the most interesting friendships I've come across in my twenty years, a "see you later" loaded with much more than hasta luego usually entails. Tearstained and reluctant, my departure from my sophomore year felt more like a forced leap of faith. Jumping blindly into unfamiliar territory and staring loneliness straight in the eye, I said a few more goodbyes, packed up the truck, and made my way back to New Hampshire. As I sat in the passenger's seat, the eerie, paralleling feeling of my emotions taking the wheel emerged, causing memories and conversations to surface as if I was leaving a trail of breadcrumbs along I-95. Instead, each fleeting word and moment hung on, clanging against the recesses of my mind in the same ironic fashion as the "Just Married" soup cans dragging along some lucky couple's bumper.

If it isn't already evident, this post is much more personal than the culmination of all of my previous blogposts. By no means is this meant to be an exposé, rather, an attempt to smooth the feathers that have been ruffled in my typical late-night-overthinking fashion. Facing this New Hampshire summer and in a few months, Costa Rican semester alone has never been more promising and terrifying. Nights where I'm doubtful of my path, I know I have a fabulous group of women who will reassure each step in the right direction is indeed right, and for the really late nights, a blog that has held all of my words safely since 2010. Although I've been out of practice, being single is starting to feel less like perpetual loneliness and more like a chance to get to know the person that has been by my side throughout it all. Cheers to summer, me, and learning what it means to be.

live simply.

Spring Cleaning.

I write from sunny (but still snowy) New Hampshire with a sense of clarity. Few and far between, these moments seem to escape me as quickly as they fall into my lap, but I hold on to this one just long enough to pen. In an interesting turn of events, the weeks between my last blog post and this one have left me hollow as well as eager to become whole again. Spring is finally upon us; waking us up in the morning with the warmth of the sun, filling our lungs with fresh new air, and with mountains of midterm exams and papers galore. Winter is still pulling at us, wishing us to come back to bed and shut the curtains, but Spring gently kisses our cheeks, breathing light into our bodies.

The time has come to brush off the snow and reach into the sunshine as the fiddlehead ferns do, and today feels like a good day unfold.

live simply.

Welcome to My Morning.

For the first time in many, many moons, I can breathe. No longer am I pacing over and over in my mind, going over each and every step I've taken since last August. August, you ask? Until now, August was the last time I felt sure of myself and the path my life had been following. I felt comfortable, and over the ensuing months I lost my footing more times than I can count. The path I had so confidently strolled since first setting foot on my post-high school journey started to twist and turn underneath my moccasins into something that I no longer walked with grace. Comfortability was replaced with uncertainty, security with a foreign concept of freedom. Never before had I felt such a fervent desire to be something other than I had ever been, and the thought of evolving in such a way was terrifying. This terror awoke a fear I had so long ago pushed aside, but it also embedded a new sense of realization. 2011 and 2012 brought about immense growth, but not in a way that resonated deep within the recesses of my 5'6" being. Leaving what was once an integral piece to my essence behind in order to find the other pieces of myself has been no easy battle, but I leave behind in good hands.

I stood at a crossroads last semester. Two roads diverged, laying themselves before me, and as much as every fiber of my being wished I could take both, no longer could I carry on without making the decision for myself. Plagued with uncertainty, this path has proven to be just as rocky as I expected. What I didn't anticipate was finding hands willing to clench tight, hands prepared to wipe tears away before they fall, and hands to hold as I figure it all out. Some of these hands belong to unexpected souls, but they are infinitely appreciated regardless.

An immense pressure has been relieved and an air of curiosity has replaced it. No longer am I searching for relief and tending to my battle scars but instead embracing the rockiness. A few bumps and bruises are welcome; anything to remind me of Robert Frost's road less traveled. So far, it's made all the difference.

live simply. 

It's All Uncharted.

Surely two of the most disjointed roller coaster ride of weeks that I have experienced in a while, these last two have been an interesting adjustment to life post-EFS. Lectures and classrooms feel foreign and unnatural, and the closeness I found with my 14 EFS-ers is pretty broken up. Not in a bad way by any stretch of the imagination, but broken in the way it feels when you end a really great conversation-- the door shuts on a topic and the thing between you and that other soul becomes momentarily disconnected.

That being said, two weeks is not a long time. Although it feels like I've been at Deis for months now, I still have a significant amount of time to re-adjust and make the concessions necessary to keep calm and carry on. And today felt like a good starting point. Wish me luck.

live simply.

Kick Out the Epic Dollar-sign.

Tonight I tried my hand at something I've only really done in my head over the last few months. I sat down at my desk, scanned my iTunes playlists, downloaded an app, and put a track of my own together. Inspired by the opening weekend of Recruitment, I hung up my dusty video editing skills and tried on DJ moccasins for the evening. What I had imagined over the last weekend swirled in my mind as I frustratedly attempted to sew pickups and drops together minding beats per minute and decibel counts. An hour or so passed before I realized that I had only pieced a minute and a half's worth of material together. Ecstatic I had finally (somewhat) matched the counts of my choice tracks close enough, I soldiered on through 1 AM. Three hours and four songs produced just over five minutes of haphazardly laced volume fluctuations.

Oh, you want to hear it? Not yet. It's just the first draft.
And even though it's clearly amateur, I still created it.

Proud of myself? You bet I am.


live simply.

4:14 AM

An original title, I know. This is not going to be long though, I just need to evacuate some of the thoughts and words and emotions that just coursed through my veins over the last few hours.

Honestly, I don't know why I'm actually upset. Feeling settled, the walk back didn't seem as bad but for some reason, walking into my cold, dark room on Hass 6 felt much more lonely than how I had left it. Unraveling the truth over what has been happening since the end of winter break, I'm not surprised with how the things turned out. Instead, I'm surprised that breaking the threshold of my single brought slightly more emotion than I had just been feeling and talking about. Obviously I'm not going to divulge the details of my evening on here, but the hum of my laptop and the clicking of the keys as I translate tense, jumbled thoughts into erratic phrases has proven to be comforting, just as it used to be.

A friendship was saved and yet something great was still lost. Well, temporarily misplaced. Still, coming to the realization that what once worked so well is essentially an impossibility at this point in time is a hard pill to swallow.

Truthfully, all I can do is hope that this pill will help ease the pain.


live simply.