Day Fifty-Two/ No Idea Anymore: Help.

Today was great, until I let myself get in my own way. Judgmental, far too inquisitive. Overly analytic, unable to process. These things that I so often push to the back of my mind ambled to center stage tonight. If you know anything about me, you'd know that my heart, as always, rests on my sleeve. It's not a new development, if anything it's old news. The fact that I can't hide my emotions well (basically at all) is also something that is not a recent discovery. Today I let my demons get the best of me. I let them tell me that loneliness is here to stay; that the dog days, in reality, are not over. That people come and go, but mostly go. And you know what? John Mayer is perfectly lonely. Florence and the Machine sent the dogs running. Noah and the Whale see blue skies on the horizon. There's not a reason out there to keep me from believing that I'll be happy. But you know those nights where everything just sucks? Everything seems to suck equally and suck a lot? That was tonight. Life does suck sometimes. That's when you accept it and move on. People will come and go. The ones really worth it, the ones worth going the distance and worth the extra cent or two are the ones who will stay regardless of everything else. Sometimes it takes a really crappy evening to help you realize that the people in your life, the ones that stayed, are the ones that aren't going to abandon you. They'll carry you, even through the nights where everything sucks. Cause you know why? You're worth it. You're worth going the distance, spending the postage, taking the time. Life may suck, but if you find the ones that are worth it and think that you're worth it too, life sucks that much less. Here's to you who let me be me, crazy and all. You're worth every penny, mile, and second. 

"L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N." - Noah and the Whale

live simply.

Day 51/ 104: The Dog Days Are Over

And I'm back! Logging back into the blogosphere feels great. I've been away for far too long, I've really missed it! I'm sure you all have missed me as well :-)

Looking back, I realize I didn't quite explain about the trip that I took to Washington, D.C. I'd do it right now but I'm feeling more lazy and less nostalgic than is ideal for writing up the best possible account of my unbelievable trip. If any of you NYLC-ers ever find yourself sifting through my posts, I would like to tell you that you guys honestly made my life so much greater. You're all some of the brightest people I have come across in my eighteen years, thank you so much for such a fantastic experience. I'm not on the best terms with all of you (you obviously know who you are) but I can't imagine a more incredible group of people and I really am happy I got to know you all.

Enough of the blubbering. Time to blog.
The last time I blogged was at the end of March. As we near the close of April, I have to say that my life is not significantly different. I have all the same friends, plus or minus a few (I'll explain the plus later!), I'm still working at the same job, my classes are nearly all the same, and I'm still rockin' the same curls I always am except for a set of new bangs (shocking, I know!). At this moment in time, this very minute, at 11:29 PM (eastern time for the rest of you folks), I am happy. Over the last month or two, I've been up and down. If you know me even in the slightest, you know that I wear my heart on my sleeve. Due to this minor displacement of a major organ, I find myself riding a roller coaster of emotion more often than others. Nothing crazy- I keep my hands and feet in the car at all times and the bar across my lap securely fastened but I still find myself closing my eyes and wishing the ride was over already. Being thrown for a loop, or two, or six can really make you realize how wonderful it is to have your feet flat on the ground. And that's exactly what I've come to realize. It's better to roll with the punches instead of being punched, cause more often than not you'll end up more than just a nice shiner. So with my feet flat on the ground, I look to the sky with a smile.

Life is good. It really truly is, and lately I've been so guilty of not realizing it. All of my human rights are intact, I'm in relatively good health, and Brandeis is waiting for me. So what do I have to worry about? Nothing. Well, not necessarily nothing, I should probably still do homework and go to school and be on time for work and those I love that I do so, but in the grand scheme of things (such a cliche, sorry Mr. Mack!), I'm good. There is nothing, positively nothing in my life that is so poisonous or terrible that I couldn't say life is good. Obviously there are the occasional bumps in the road that may take longer to get over that normal but that's why life is so great. There has to be a storm to appreciate the calm. You may find yourself in a spell of bad luck and/or hopelessness. But guess what. It always gets better, cause it has to. As I told a friend long before I blogged, the universe doesn't leave itself in chaos for long. What seems like a never-ending hurricane of terribleness WILL end. Scientifically, hurricanes run out of steam once too far away from a water source. In a philosophical sense, as long as you believe that you will be happy, you just will. All it takes is a smile and the belief that life is good. Cause it really is! There are so many beautiful things and opportunities out there waiting for you, it's just up to you to find them.

Now for a lil' Brandeis Life update. I found a roomate!! She's awesome, and if I get a guitar this summer like planned, we'll be jammin' in our room with her beta fish Leopold. Self-titled "Dream Team", we're checking out duvet covers, lamps, and miscellaneous awesome things for our room in (hopefully) Massell quad next year! I'm PRETTY excited if you can't tell.

That about wraps up the month of April. A few more things happened but most of them were super personal matters that in all truth I'm leaving behind in the months of March and April. Nothing super drastic, just not exactly blog material, at least for this blog.

I'll post pictures of my April endeavors in a later post, I don't trust my uploader tonight (some things never change). I wish I could keep writing but seeing as how my April break officially ended seven minutes ago, I think I'll grab my copy of The Naked Roomate (it's by Harlan Cohen and an awesome going-off-to-college book, check it out!), snuggle up with some tea and take a breather. The dog days are officially over, ladies and gents. Welcome to the good life.

"If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change." - Buddha

live simply.

Day 50/75: Get It Right.

Today was incredible. Before I start, I'd like to set a few things straight. First, I have failed. This blog was to test my dedication to something beyond my everyday life, and I didn't follow through. Instead, life brought me new challenges and new dedications so I am instead rearranging the parameters encompassing my "experience". The bar may be lowered, but it doesn't mean that I will be anything along the lines of a cheat. Instead, writing once a week will give me a chance to breathe, to gather my stories and thoughts into a single novella of sorts. Everyone goes through different changes and things in their life that causes them to reevaluate where on the horizon their sights have been set, I'm no different. Not anticipating my course load, or even aspects of my daily life changing from the mundane activities of yesterday was a classic, rookie mistake. Now that I've hit the refresh button on my to-do list, it's time to blog.

Not a whole lot happened in the month of March. The first week was enveloped by math, physics, and psychology. The second week brought state championships for both our basketball and hockey guys. The third, which I had intended on elaborating on in this post brought a rush of emotions, sleep deprived nights, and a new family. NYLC was possibly one of the best things that could have happened to me. I gained so much knowledge and love from people who were strangers one day, and my sisters and brothers the next. I left Washington D.C with a head full of ideas and a heart full of love. This past Sunday afternoon, my newfound family was scattered across the country, each taking a piece of my heart with them as I ventured back to snowy New Hampshire. I'll elaborate more on the trip itself in future posts, but as I am pressed for time, I must press on. The National Young Leaders Conference brought so many new people into my life for which I'm indescribably happy to have met, but as planes fly and and cars drive, life goes on. So I'm floating along, catching up on sleep and make up work, failing tests and missing meetings, frequently napping and always missing the people who made my week in DC so colorful and wonderful. Enough of that, I'll fry my laptop with the tears that are threatening to leave my tearducts.

I know this post isn't nearly as long as my previous apologetic blogpost, but honestly? Life has dealt me a hand that is a little trickier than I anticipated. Sure, I'm still happy (for the most part, and a lot more lately) but school is school with a little bit of a kick now. Getting back into the swing of things is pretty tough, especially when you miss extensive periods of time in high school. If you're out for a week, it's almost like you're out for a year and when you return, everything seems foreign and distant. Assimilation hasn't quite taken place yet, but I'm slowly easing myself back into the familiar doldrums of Somersworth High School. You just have to take the cards dealt to you. Sometimes, you're lucky enough for a full house, and others, you draw 'till you find that winning combination. Go Fish.

"Moving on, is a simple thing. What it leaves behind is hard." - Dave Mustaine

live simply. 

Day 48: But Really, Day 62

Today was hard. I'm not going to lie and say that I remember everything I felt fourteen days ago, so I'm just going to talk about the last two weeks. Honestly? They've been rough. Here's an apologetic, novelistic, grovelsome post to make up for them.

Valentine's Day kicked off my week of doom. The lovey-dovey in the air reminded me of how I was without a valentine for yet another year. I pinky-promised with a friend that we'd be each other's, but fourth block rolled around, and no carnation from my not-so-valentine. Tuesday and Wednesday I was off to a reluctant late start due to my closest brother, further driving a wedge between my reputation and my peers, as well as shortening my fuse. Thursday brought misery with a side of failure as my grades tanked in math and physics. Quiz grades, teachers making me feel stupid, and classmates who are just shy of brilliant combine with "Why don't I get this?!"s and "What the HELL, another 60???"s to create a perfect storm of depression and hopelessness. Add a yearbook that is no where near finished, friends who aren't so friendly, a personal life that happens to be ravaged by another, a brother who is chronically late, a lack of a car, bad weather, raging allergies, slippery hallways, make-up work, and a cloud over a usually sunny disposition and this recipe has gone terribly, terribly wrong. Friday wasn't much better, work drama consumed my evening and as I struggled to grasp with the fact that minimum wage truly sucks, I longed for my bed. Saturday brought more promise, and it made up for the week from hell. I went with L to go see M's band play. If you know me, you most likely know a great deal about M and I, and how these days we are more or less (a lot less) than friends. Nevertheless (ha ha, pun intended), L and I had a great time. I got to see S, which is always great, I talked to M's mother, a few of the band member's parents, and exchanged friendly words with my old best friend. I guess sometimes time really does heal even the worst scars. Sunday I ventured to UNH to visit a different M with S and that was so fun! We sat around with two of S and M's fellow graduates in a hallway in M's dorm for a few hours just making conversation and making each other laugh. After some much needed girl talk in the dining hall, I returned to my comfy bed, only to leave it for B's birthday party. Truthfully? Not a whole lot needs to be said about that. It was... interesting. Not bad, just not quite as jolly as any of us expected. Monday brought awkwardness with my non-valentine, as did Tuesday and Wednesday. Plans always fall through, and I spent most of this February break working, sleeping, and planning my college packing list. I don't think you'll find anyone more excited and ready to leave home. Right now. The rest of the week consisted of the aforementioned excitement. I did however get a snazzy new pair of running sneakers! Also, to compensate for my lack of motivation and the fact that I am becoming a regular recluse, I am posting more than three pictures of my various (and few) adventures this vacation. Seeing as it is 10:30 this morning and I have to work at 3, I'm going to predict a lack of anything worth blogging about later this evening and make this novel count towards today's. Because I am trying to make up for my suckish behavior in the blogosphere the last two or so weeks (it was happening before that as well, I know, I know), I'm posting some old writings I had lying around below. Oh! Also, I sent in my enrollment deposit to Brandeis, and I'm braving the sleet and ice to send my enrollment form in today! I am officially a Brandesian. I signed up for an overnight earlier this morning too. And my internet history consists of various Brandeis links, with some Facebook thrown in there. I'm so excited! And I'm really proud of everyone in my class who is taking that next step with me. We may not act like we like my fellow Toppers sometimes, but in the end we're all 2011ers. We did this together whether we like it or not, and that will always tie us together in the unique way that it does with graduating classes. Alright, enough of that academia crap. On to the musings.

First things first- my college packing list. So far, of course:

Britta water pitcher, bathrobe, shower caddy, throw rug, water filter waterbottle, reading light, iHome, desk lamp, extra-long twin sheets, egg crate mattress pad, comforter/pillows, mini fridge

tupperware, BULK SNACKIES (nom nom nom), corkboard/dry erase board, pop-up laundry hampers, extension cords/power strips, mini tool kit (basic screws, nails, hammer, tape, hooks, screwdriver), frames, micro-cassette recorder (lectures), extra hangers, electric tea kettle, iron/mini ironing board, two full-length mirrors, removable wall decals :), curling iron, yoga pants, stock up on hair stuff, misc hair things

Anyone else have anything to add? I'm looking to expand my list before July so that I can buy things on a regular basis, instead of in bulk. Cause that's craziness.

Here's the supplement I wrote for my Brandeis application:

At first glance, Brandeis University is like other colleges and universities that I have looked at. It is not the smallest school I have seen, nor the largest. It is not the most or least expensive, and it doesn’t have the biggest or smallest campus of the schools I have visited. Of all the schools that I have licked my stamps and sealed my envelopes for, I am most excited to send this application. Four years is a long time to be away from home, but from the very first step I took on campus, I felt like I was walking into a familiar memory. As I sat in the Admissions building waiting for my campus tour, I was approached by a sophomore guy. Normally, being approached by a stranger creates unsettling feelings, but instead his big welcoming grin was reassuring. We chatted for a bit about campus and dorm life until I asked him why he chose Brandeis. His answer was simple; the people. As he went on to describe the community-like feel of the university and how he felt like he had found a second family, something inside of me clicked. Of all the students that I had asked why they chose the school they chose to go to, I had never gotten that answer, which I realized was the answer I was looking for. Brandeis University isn’t just another research university focused on the liberal arts; Brandeis feels like home.

And here's my college essay itself:

Trees and Tattoos
Last June I had a dream that changed my life. I was on my way to a tattoo salon with a small peace sign in mind. After sitting in the chair and explaining what I wanted, the tiny symbol of peace began to take form just below my hairline and above the base of my neck. Each stroke of the gun was deliberate and strangely gentle, and before I knew it the tattoo was done. Odd, I thought, it took longer than I had expected. Skeptically I stood up and looked back into the mirror. To my surprise, a giant peace sign had overtaken my back. I gazed at the ink as it swirled and danced as if it were on fire. When I could find my words again, I cried out to the faceless tattoo man that it was too big and it wasn’t what I wanted but he replied earnestly “Sorry, I couldn’t help but to feel as though this tattoo was meant to be this big.” Shocked, amazed, and a little angry, I contemplated having the man remove the tattoo right on the spot. As I thought about it, I looked a little longer into the mirror. The tattoo was breathtaking. The longer I looked at the reflection, the more vivid and alive it became; miraculously morphing into a portrait of the globe. I stood there in the middle of the tattoo shop in pure awe as the art on my back changed from this sign of peace into our world. The tattoo wasn’t what I wanted, but the faceless man insisted I keep it, saying that I would appreciate it one day.
Today was the day I began to appreciate my “dream-tattoo”. Over the last year and a half, I have become very passionate about the environment and what we can do as individuals to preserve its beauty and resources. I have realized that the search for a renewable energy source that could replace crude oil has been placed on the back burner as issues like the slowly recovering economy and the war overseas are continuously featured on the front pages of our newspapers. Even though environmental issues are currently overshadowed in the media, I work to shed light on them in my everyday life. From helping to facilitate our new school-wide paper and aluminum recycling program, to carpooling, to enlightening others about the dangers of littering, I hope I am beginning to develop into a solution to the problem. In the words of Martin Luther King, Jr., I wish to become the “thermostat that transforms a society rather than a thermometer that records its temperament”.
Throughout the rest of my dream, I battled with myself trying to decide whether to remove the mistake as I first thought of it, or to keep the gift the man had given me. I woke up realizing two things; even though I am only one, I carry the world on my back, and I also carry with me peace. I realized that the world may not be the seven continents, but instead my immediate world. Through the experience of college, I will gain the necessary means to transform my daily surroundings into the world in its entirety. The dream I had last June opened my eyes to an old passion and a new purpose. It is my job to do my part to take care of the world, and my part is through using the tools I have gained thus far in my life to further my education, gather more tools, and appreciate and conserve the beauty that is our world. The faceless man was right.


Now for pictures! Usually I post these at the beginning of my posts, as you know if you even read just one of my posts, but since this is extra long for all the apologies, they're at the end today.

"It is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves." - Edmund Hillary

live simply.

Day Forty-seven: Unrelenting Thoughts of Sleep

Today was fun. I woke up to a text from BH asking if I wanted to drive up to Gilford for a basketball game and I accepted, unaware of the challenge I was accepting. I printed out directions from MapQuest, gave them a once over and we were off. Unable to leave the tri-city area without blundering through the streets of Dover unsure of our location, I should have predicted the following events. Here's a quick summarization-
Got lost in Dover (the next town over from Rollinsford).
Got lost somewhere in the White Mountains/Ossipe region (45 minutes- an hour from our desired location).
Got stuck behind the slowest drivers in New England and ended up tailgating one of them down a canyon-like street (I almost died of pure stress driving down this cliff).
That's about it. The inbetween stuff isn't very interesting, mostly just freaking out about not knowing where we are, then realizing where are and freaking out about that. Oh, road trips in New Hampshire. So wonderful.
At the end of the day, it doesn't matter how long it takes to get to where you're going. It's the people you're with that matter the most.

"The only way to have a friend is to be one." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

live simply.

Day Forty-six: Marathon Bakery Service

Today was LONG. The caps lock is 100% necessary. Besides getting roughly ten total hours of sleep this week,  I had to learn and work. School began with senioritis. Math was bearable. Psychology was slightly more bearable, except now that I think about it, I was even more frustrated in second block than I was in first. I don't understand why there is a need to constantly draw attention from material that will further your education to something that is completely meaningless. I feel that if you are not truly invested in learning about a subject and you elect to take the class, it is a waste of time and a waste of everyone who truly wants to learn's time. We're seventeen and eighteen years old, soon to graduate, and you are still making fun of the way that someone else talks? Grow up. People like you are the reason that people like me are insecure with themselves and constantly downplay their capacity for greatness. Enough is enough. Third block was taken up this week with the selling of carnations. As a fundraiser for the senior class, we are selling carnations that we are delivering on Valentine's Day, or SAD as I like to call it. SAD stands for Singles Awareness Day, and it really is sad. I'm really one to advertise my relationship status, but I've never had a valentine, so February 14th pretty much sucks. Fourth block was dedicated to the completion of our super-fun acceleration lab. Physics is so interesting, but being given a task and not a ton of instruction on how to construct and manipulate isn't so great. In the end we were able to pull out a V and my group finished with a little time to spare. After school I scooted over to my job where I worked in the bakery. It seemed like the morning person hadn't gotten a lot done. Their lack of checks on the checklist combined with the extra tasks I had been given and the constant busy flow of customers resulted in a six-hour shift instead of the usual four and a half-hour shift. I helped L lock up shop and headed home for some quality time with my pillows. This post was long, but not nearly as long as my very, very long day.

"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope." - MLK, Jr.

live simply.

Day Forty-five: Catching Up...

Today was Thursday. Another Thursday. And we know how wonderful Thursdays are. Since this is a catch-up post, I'm going to talk about the history of Brandeis. I talk so much about MyDeis and my acceptance, I'll give you all a sneak peak into the next four years of my life.
Brandeis is a private research university funded by the Jewish community. Although initially thought to be a Jewish school (the attendance of Jewish students is higher than average) it is a non-sectarian school. It's namesake, Louis D. Brandeis, was one of the first, if not the first Jewish Supreme Court Judge, and he spent his term and life as a lawyer working for progressive social causes like labor laws, fighting railroad monopolies, and creating the Federal Reserve System. He is known as "the people's lawyer" through his work as a Boston area lawyer, and as a result the founder and first president of the school, Abram L. Sachar renamed the former site of Middlesex University after Louis. Founded in 1948, Brandeis University has alumni in every facet of life from television show writers, to Pulitzer Prize winners, to actors and actresses, and to some of top scientists in their fields. It's motto, "Truth, Even Unto It's Innermost Parts" can be found all over campus, from being eluded to in club names, worn on their Division III uniforms, and emblazoned on nearly every sweatshirt and coffee mug in the bookstore. Located nine miles west of Boston in Waltham, Massachusetts, Brandeis is ranked in the top tier of American universities. And I'm beyond excited to be a member of the Class of 2015.
Besides giving me a full boat, Brandeis has given me motivation. Not just academically, but I've regained motivation in my quest for righteousness. I know that sounds so silly and dramatic, but quite honestly it's true. It has taken me a very long time to accept the fact that the past is set in stone and the only thing that we can pencil in is right now. I'm excited for the new challenges I know I'll be facing, the new people I'll hopefully become friends with, and the old faces I'll remember with a smile. Cheers, 2011- we're headed into uncharted territory.

"All glory comes from daring to begin." -Eugene F. Ware

live simply.