Note: None of these writings are meant to be taken in any particular manner. If the people they are written for/about find them, that's pure chance. It's even purer of a chance that they will discern that they are the subjects of my thoughts. And if they get that far, if you get that far, take it for what it is. Or not.
05 June 2014, 2:17 PM
Nutella
I climbed into bed last night and the thought that crashed into me as soon as my head hit the pillow was looking over at you, standing there naked as naked can be, with your finger in the nutella jar, swirling your hand to get the perfect gob of sticky brown sweetness on your finger. You see me looking at you, taking your perfect figure in under the dim, golden glow of your lamp and you scoop that perfect fingerful of nutella right into your perfect mouth, not breaking eye contact with me. It wasn't even seductive, it was just so you. Without hesitation, you bounce back into bed, jar in hand, carve out another perfect fingerful and looking up at me, you whisper, "want some?" I break eye contact with you only to look at your hazelnutty, chocolatey finger and I whisper back, "sure". A smile creeps across my face as you inch closer to my mouth, and as you watch me, the same smile spreads across your face too. Your good morning kisses never tasted sweeter.
--
03 July 2014, 9:35 PM"One day I woke up and we no longer spoke the same language. I haven't heard from you since."- Hishaam Siddiqi, Where Did You Go?
I'm not sure if you just didn't get my message, or if you're actively (more like passively) cutting me out of my life, but thank you for not fighting for me. Thank you for letting me walk out of your life, and the life I used to know in relation to you. In the week that I've cast you out into the sea of non-existence, I've felt so... light. You used to sit in my mind, heavier than any other thought and feeling, weighing down the breaths in my chest. Hanging heavy on my lids as I fell asleep, never able to settle my racing thoughts and heartbeat as long as you existed to me. Maybe you'll come back, feeling the way I did, wanting to talk or chat or feel. Maybe you won't, instead moving on to some other poor soul destined to be wrought with your unforgiving carelessness and inescapable charm. Either way, I'm out. I refuse to let you sink me in your tumultuous waters, crashing me against your harsh shores. Maybe I'll even feel you envelop me in your cool, caressing, arms, but I won't go under. I'm afloat, free of your shipwrecking love. I refuse to sink.
--
I decided, after about a half an hour of internal debate, not to post the other three musings that I have sitting on my desktop staring me right in the face every day. These three contain names, and aren't NEARLY as candid as the two above. By no means do I tout either of these writings as "good", they're merely cathartic means of processing feelings that for some reason always take the long, arduous road. For those less sleuth-y, these two writings are in fact about the same individual. Less than a month in between the two, the catastrophically vast difference in emotion from the former to the latter has got me feeling most, if not all the feels tonight. The last week and a half have been the best of this summer, and with eight or so weeks left before fall sweeps me back up into the motions of my final year of undergrad, I intend to extend this feel-good week as long as possible.
So far, SO good.
And you know what? Here's a picture for good measure. Cause I feel like it. And I'm happy. HAPPY!
In solidarity with my old self,
live simply.
